And I'm the Vedran Empress
by Rosie Avocado
Summary: Trance has an interesting confession... intended to be humourous. A bit of Trance/Harper implied.


. And I'm the Vedran Empress  
  
Author: Rosie Rating: PG-13 Summary: Plot less crew interaction that's supposed to be humorous, Trance- centric. Bit of Trance/Harper implied. Spoilers: Set after 'Fear and Loathing in the Milky Way', but Spoilers for 'It Makes a Lovely Light' as well. Authors Note: Yeah, just me trying to be funny. But how is that possible when there's John Burke's parodies and Mary Avatar's 'Oh God, its Fanfic!' to compare to? Disclaimer: Andromeda isn't mine, and anything else that looks familiar probably isn't mine, either. But if you pick the line from a really bad teen science-fiction (I use the term very loosely) television show and can name the show, I'll let you borrow the avocado. Or not. Maybe I'll just give you free Windex.  
  
~*@*~  
  
"So you're saying we have the map to Tarn Vedra?" Dylan stared at Trance and Harper in utter disbelief.  
  
"Tarn Vedra?" Rev echoed. "The long lost capital of the Systems Commonwealth?"  
  
"Well, as far as I'm concerned, that's the only Tarn Vedra on the show," said Rommie sarcastically.  
  
"Mirror Universe Tarn Vedra," mused Beka. "Interesting plot twist."  
  
"Not gonna happen," Rommie cut in. "Plagiarism. The Star Trek people would be all over us."  
  
"Yeah, well you tell that to the Fan fiction writers," muttered Tyr.  
  
"We found the map in the mad Perseid's diary on his asteroid after Gerentex kidnapped us and forced us to go find it, only now we have the map and he has flowers," Trance explained, smiling enigmatically and batting her eyelashes.  
  
"Tarn Vedra, land of wealth and glory," Harper mused, pacing around command deck, seemingly unable to sit still. "Once we loot and pillage all their stuff, I'm retiring with a whole harem of girls in shiny pink leather. And don't forget the silk wall hangings. I love silk wall hangings. The only reason I go is for the silk wall hangings."  
  
Beka clasped her head. "Whoa, major dejá vu here."  
  
"What makes you think the map is genuine?" asked Tyr, trying to look uninterested but failing miserably.  
  
"Oh, it's genuine," Trance assured them, earning her a quizzical look from the entire crew." "See?" Harper cut in happily. "If we have the seal of approval of an insanely lucky purple pixie chick, how can we lose? It's off to Tarn Vedra, baby!"  
  
"But I don't think we should go."  
  
Everyone looked at Trance again.  
  
"If it's genuine, why not?" asked Tyr.  
  
"Because. because Tarn Vedra wants to be left alone, and because the map takes us to all sorts of nasty locations, and because if we do, Beka will start taking drugs and I'll get sick and I'm too cute to die!"  
  
"Gwah?" asked Dylan intelligently.  
  
"How do you know that?" Beka asked, glaring at Trance.  
  
Trance clasped her hands behind her back and swayed from side to side. "Lucky guess?"  
  
Rev glared at her suspiciously. "Is there something you are not telling us, Trance?"  
  
"No, whatever gave you that idea," Tyr deadpanned.  
  
Suddenly Trance stamped her foot and glared defiantly around the room. "Alright, enoughs enough! It's time the truth came out. I'm so sick of your nagging, and whiny, and suspicion stuff! There aren't enough gorgeous purple pixies in the universe and you're all just helping to scare off the one you're privileged to have - so shape up!"  
  
Rommie folded her arms. "This should be good."  
  
The purple one took a deep breath. "I am the Vedran Empress!"  
  
For a long while no one spoke. Then Dylan laughed uneasily.  
  
"Trance, the Vedran Empress has been dead for over 300 years."  
  
Trance shrugged. "She got better."  
  
Rev took Trance's arm gently. "Let's just take you down to med deck for awhile, Trance, it's been a long day."  
  
"Unhand us at once!" Trance shrieked, pulling away from the Magog. "We are not amused!"  
  
Beka raised her eyebrows. "Oh boy."  
  
"If you're the Vedran Empress, what possible reason could you have for being here?" asked Holo-Rommie, the voice of reason.  
  
"To wipe out the universe, one annoying mortal at a time."  
  
"Bad teen sci-fi reference," Harper muttered. "Now I'm really worried."  
  
"I'm not," Rommie countered. "I'm an AI, not a mortal." Under her breath she muttered, "Suckers."  
  
Tyr laughed. "I always knew the purple one had a screw loose, but this is ridiculous!"  
  
The girl in question glared at him ominously. "Don't make me kill you, Tyr."  
  
He arched an eyebrow. "You and what Vedran Calvary?"  
  
Trance looked up at him defiantly. "You know I can do it. I can get away with it, because I'm cute!"  
  
Harper frowned. "Where have I heard that before?"  
  
Dylan smiled hollowly. "Trance, why don't we go for a walk down the corridor and you can lie down for awhile-"  
  
Trance threw her hands up in exasperation. "When are you people ever going to realize that you're all merely pawns in my grandiose scheme for domination of the universe?"  
  
Harper raised his hand timidly. "Hey purpleness, I don't know about domination of the universe, but if you're ever interested in domination of the Harper, I'll happily be your pawn."  
  
Trance smirked. "Maybe later. Meanwhile, the rest of you - don't make me go JMT on your ass!"  
  
Beka looked puzzled. "JM.T?"  
  
"Accessing dated sci-fi culture reference archives," said Rommie.  
  
"Wait - we have archives on that stuff?" Harper asked. "And I was never informed? How could this happen?"  
  
"JMT - acronym for Jedi Mind Trick," announced Rommie. "Dates back to the 1970's, I believe, or, if you prefer, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."  
  
"Meaning what, exactly?" Tyr demanded.  
  
Trance tilted her head to the side and looked at Tyr oddly.  
  
"You don't really need to know,"  
  
"I don't really need to know," Tyr replied.  
  
"Instead, you're going to go sit in Observation Deck and contemplate your place in the universe."  
  
Tyr wandered towards the door. "I'm just going to sit in Observation Deck and contemplate my place in the universe."  
  
"I think I'll join you," said Beka dazedly.  
  
"Me too," chorused Rev, Dylan and Rommie. The five of them all wandered off vacantly.  
  
Harper turned to Trance, jaw dropped in amazement. "That was freaking cool!"  
  
Trance smiled and lifted up her chin aristocratically. "Down on your knees for the Empress, lowly peasant!" she commanded.  
  
Harper grinned. "Yes ma'am."  
  
THE END 


End file.
